posted on my blogspot in Aug 2009
it was written a several years ago
about the event that took more than a decade ago in my life
since when I was a little, I had this message within me ... change the world, religious / spirituality and science / technology will become one, macrocosms = microcosms which indicate that the universe = us, God = the universe, thus God = us. and as we go into the micro world, no matter how little, there is the intelligence, the power. there was no one I was able to talk with about this. and the older I grew up the deeper I had hidden those messages inside me. I felt different from people around me, I never felt belonging to anywhere and anyone. yet I tried to fit into the world in some ways ... never succeeded. now I know I am not only one who had been feeling that way of isolation and alienation. but for a long time, I was confused not knowing what I was.
am I the only one who feel this way ? or do others also feel the same but they have achieved to overcome the isolation and alienation ? ... I got even paranoid if everyone else had the medicine of the knowledge but only me left alone. I felt like I was a little child who was only left in the world of grown-ups, feeling ashamed and self-loathing of being such a little child-like.
at some point in my life, I hit the big moment called depression. it developed to suicidal thoughts. I was very unhappy staying alive but very happy when I was thinking about disappearing from the world. but it was very very painful when I was thinking about my best friend and my mother, ... who care about me so much ... that I couldn't do it, I couldn't kill myself, ... I was torn.
I was taken to a hospital when my suicidal thoughts hit worst. then to the house for a residential program for a few months, where I met many clients who also suffered from their suicidal thoughts and mental disfunction. some of them were obviously there for a long time with medications. there was a girl who was in a very severe mental condition. no one could have seen her real personality because of the heavy medications she was taking. because of the medications her drive to kill herself was suppressed, however, because of that any of her motivations were suppressed even to live or do anything, too. her personality was totally flat, just a physical being without any will or desire, no emotions. I asked her if there was anything she would like to do. she said nothing, there was nothing she would like to do. so I suggested her that maybe we could start finding things she does not like to do so that eventually we might have been able to reach something that could be better than dislikes. she eventually found that she liked to photograph things and liked her cat very much. I asked if she could draw her cat. and she did. it was so warm and so sweet. her emotions and feelings, any of drives were killed by her medications yet anyone could tell her love for her cat. I wondered how sweet and loving she would be if she was not in such depression nor was on the medications. " I will be alright. " she left the house and went back to her place without consulting anyone, which was her own will. ... a few weeks later, she purposely overdosed the medications which she bought over a counter on her own and killed herself. incredible amount of regret and blames overwhelmed me ... was there anything I could have done to save her ? ... or have I done the terrible mistake to try to bring back her " will for life " which might have caused her to enable to think to kill her ? ... my counselor soothed me that I did not have to have the responsibility for her death and anyone around her tried to save her but couldn't. what a heavy, unreasoning and unbearable feeling ... I must not give such an experience to my mother and friends.
I had given up my suicidal thoughts, I tried and tried but I just couldn't because of my care for my friends and my mother. I couldn't leave them with suffering from the loss of someone they care so much. they don't deserve such suffers and pains, ... no one does. I started to try to think to stay alive but it was too painful yet no choice, I must stay alive. one day I asked my psychiatrist what we should do if the medication I was taking wouldn't work on me to get better. he said either to change or increase the dosage of medications. that hit me really hard to come to the realization of the truth ... my life would be doomed. taking medications and feeling better doesn't mean I am getting better. and I would have to work so hard for the medications and the insurance which could stress me out through my life. how could I ever get well if staying in such a mental condition with such stress ? ... I stopped taking the medication without consulting with my psychiatrist, ( which you must not do alone. it can be very dangerous by relapse ) and began to look for alternative ways to heal myself.
I had met a healer when I lived in NYC, I called him to ask for herbal remedy for depression. he told me that his power of healing had become much greater that he could heal people by his prayers even those who are abandoned from doctors and hospitals, and told me to just lay down in my room. I had lived in Silicon Valley area at that time so it was a long distance. I hanged up the phone and just laid down. and I began to feel the energy was being shifted. I was balanced but the fact was that I was so used to imbalance that I felt so awkward to be aligned. he told me that I was too far from this dimension that I needed to be grounded. I needed to feel my feet in order to ground myself. my condition got much much better yet still a long way to go. I began to realize it must be the same experience with those who suffer from alcoholics, drug addicts, cigarette smokers, etc, of unhealthy habits and addictions, that it is really about the chemical in imbalance. the harder I tried the greater I got pulled back to the old habit/s by the chemical that have been produced in my body. it was not easy at all to get rid of the chemical in negative effects in my body. the healer told me, " there are the people whom I can help and save. but there are also the people whom I am not allowed to lend my hand to. ", he cared about me so very much ... but ... I began to know which I belonged to. I had to make this journey through on my own. (thank you so much, Jiei)
I still had thought about how to kill myself, I planned how to kill myself. it had become the habit to fill my mind. but I was not allowed to kill myself. I was saved the day when I was sent to a hospital by the friend who cared so much about me at that time. I must not trash his effort. (so much gratitude to bp) yet ... I still wished to just disappear as if I never existed so that my friends and mother wouldn't have to suffer after my disappearing. however, I also knew that I, the soul, would have to come back to the life in a next life time where I ended in this life time, which I didn't want to deal with, either. then I thought to just totally disappear even as a spirit. but the message came that it could be possible " but " it would mess up the perfection ( in progress ) in the whole universe as the same way I would have to deal with the discomfort and imbalance in a body if I ever lose even a bit of a finger, that I would put the whole universe in chaos. I did not want to cause anyone any more trouble since I was already causing to some friends because of my suicidal thoughts. a part of me knew I can not kill myself but the other part me longed for disappearing. in such a moment, I somehow shifted and trapped into a ghost world.
it was cold, ... or, I am not sure if I should call it cold. there was no temperature and no light. from this dimension it would feel like it was cold but there was no temperature there. no feeling sort of feelings. no connections to any others. only each of their own spaces of emotions ... sorrow or anger, tremendous amount of confusion and denial, injustice, lost and attachment. just closed from any light or any hope but cling to their attachments. they only accept what they want to accept, they only want to hear what they want to hear, it doesn't matter if that is anger or sorrow, what ever it is for them but that is the only emotion they want to deal with, the addictions and attachment. I could have seen myself there if I just determined myself, that would be the only place I could dwell. at that time I was seeing a healer in San Francisco. he pulled me back to this plane from there. (thank you so much, Jim) what I realized after I came back from there was there was not much difference between here and there. maybe only light and temperature. many people were in their own worlds, trapped into emotional dramas, and much of feelings and thoughts were dismissed. being closed oneself in the depth from anyone, maybe even from oneself, and only the surface they looked like alive. but those people were subconsciously asleep ... not knowing why they do the way they do and passing on fears and greed. they just want to deal with what they can accept, in order to maintain the chemicals within the body. ... we throw ourselves into the additives of extra, or smoke or drugs, or even frustration, anger, stress, etc, in order to maintain the chemicals within the body, to numb ourselves ... we do not take care of ourselves but the chemicals within the body.
I had to go back to the reality when I was discharged from the residential program. the money was running out. I had to find a job and a place. not enough time or money for the new life ... I could not have become selective. anything available I would take it. my friend introduced me a waitress position at a restaurant. I had liked working as a waitress. it really had soothed my whole body, the body, mind, and spirit. it requires quite physical, intellectual, mental and spiritual exercises working in a restaurant. working as a good meditation. I took the spot.
I knew it would not be easy at all, but no choice, ... actually, I should be grateful that I had the choice. I was still having the roller coaster of mental and emotional ups and downs. but I could not show that to anyone. the attack was hitting me anytime so that I had to go out of the restaurant when it hit at work and cried outside and went back inside the restaurant as if nothing happened, and came back to customers and coworkers with smile. no one knew what I was going through. a couple of months passed and I was in the quite exhaustion, I was hardly working and standing up. it was like my battery was running out. the energy field around my body was totally damaged that couldn't hold my energy. ... I was torn, my depression drained me so badly that I had to stay positive in order to overpower the depression but doing so consumed and wasted so much energy that weakened me due to the damages of my energy field. but if I just surrendered then the depression pulled me down deep and deeper. I was foreseeing that either way to lose my energy or to be caught by depression I would die. it was the first time I ever asked God for help. I was not even polite, "please, save me or kill me NOW !" ... in the after noon I went to work, and there showed up a man with his friend at my table. I felt like I was a puppy who just found her long lost owner. my energy was being charged when I was around him. I directly and rather shamelessly asked him, " why do I feel so perky being around you ? " ... he answered, "maybe because I was your teacher in our past life. " ... I was correcting him as soon as I heard it, I did not know where it came from but I said, " No, you were my father." ... it was Tony one of my oldest friends through many many life times. who had a psychic ability to see past lives and heard my call. since that day, my energy was being charged and I was able to deal with my life even though my journey was still a long way to go.
since when I was a little, I wanted to be truly happy, of course like anyone else on Earth. however, somehow I was never reaching happiness. but now I realized this that I have been subconsciously choosing the struggles and pains in order to understand my soul purpose as well as others, in order to be happy altogether with all of us, ... how rough it can be to survive in this world, how tough it can be to be a human, how painful it can be to be the sensual embodied being. we are very sensitive and sensual. but most of us have learned to turn off the sensations and passion in order to survive in this society. we have become so numb, blind and deaf, so that we can protect ourselves from the harshness of our society. yet we want to please the empty feelings so we want the extra of salt & sugar, or drugs, alcohol, etc, to fill in the lack, so that we can at least feel like feeling and living. we need brighter colors, the extra, so that we can see it, we need louder music and noise, the extra, so that we can hear it. we physically awake yet our senses are asleep. and we do not eat nutrition but chemicals. we do not seek passion but chemistry. we do not pass on knowledge to be wisdom but just to be convenience. we do not nurture love but insecurity. we do not practice kindness but ... avoidance and manipulation. our intelligence and sensuality have been misused. we only accept what soothe the chemicals in the body.
humans have become something else.
" there are the people whom I can help and save,
but there are also the people whom I must not lend my hand to. "
... for their own sakes.
" wake up, sleeping beauties ... "
( Tony, thank you so much for having been being here and there through my soul journey. and Kazoo and Aya, ... Masami & Jei, ... and BP, thank you very much for your supports and understandings through the time of my recovery. )
may true health, wealth & intelligence be back to Earth !
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